Chapter 157 Rejection (3)
Without any aim, I kept on wandering around.
I kept on walking through this dark, narrow alley. It was if this was a maze.
I think I said something like ‘I’ll be back by dinner’ but I don’t know whether I’ll be able to go back from her, no, in the first place, do I even feel like going back?
By the time the sun sets, will I be able to shake of these feelings inside me and tell Lily and Fiona that I’m fine with a smile?
Impossible. I don’t have the will power to put up a false bravado or a bluff at all.
“My fault, is it?”
No, that wasn’t my fault.
If we hadn’t run towards Spada, everyone really would have died.
I, we fought desperately, to let everyone run away.
We didn’t know how many of them were there, but those damned Crusaders just kept on coming no matter how many we killed. Against them, our power was limited.
We did buy time, it was barely but we did buy just enough time to run away.
But, in the end, it was all too late, it was useless. While we were fighting, everyone had already died by the hands of the Apostle called Misa.
That’s right, the one who should be hated is that Apostle playing around that ruined everything. It isn’t my responsibility.
After all I fought so hard.
“As if I could say that…….”
Annihilated, that’s the result. That’s all that matters, that’s the reality.
Responsibility, excuses, they don’t matter anymore.
It’s all my fault, that’s right, I couldn’t protect any of them.
In front of the graves of my friends in Irz village, I swore, I swore that I won’t let anyone else die any more. But even then, haha, how ridiculous, look at the number of casualties I have created.
“I couldn’t……..protect anybody.”
My heart sank, deeper and deeper, in regret, guilt and helplessness.
I guess, someone like me, a mere high schooler like me, was stupid to think that I could save so many people.
Due to the body modifications and experiments, just because I was given a slightly more power than humans, I ended up deluding myself that I could protect people.
I couldn’t save Irz village. Even though I had failed once, I still didn’t learn. I really am an idiot.
I should have known my own place better.
Yes, from the time I met Sariel on the castle walls of Daedalus, I had made the wrong choices.
Thinking that I could save everyone if I put my life on the line, I chose to stupidly fight.
I really am an incurable idiot. Was I trying to become a hero? I’m not someone great enough who could save people.
I’m just one single human who can’t even protect himself properly.
That time, I should have simply agreed to Sariel’s words when she said that she wouldn’t chase me even if I run away, and should have simply taken Lily away with me.
That was the correct answer. That would have been the best answer. Everyone else can very well be damned!
That’s right, just as Cyprus had said, I will remain as No.49 forever. I should know my own limits of what I can actually protect.
I should stop thinking of protecting everyone.
I should stop thinking that I can save people.
“I don’t have what it takes to save someone…….”
Yes, just think only of yourself and those extremely precious to you.
Don’t take too many responsibilities. Don’t uselessly butt your head into things.
Because, no matter what I want, what I do, this will be the result.
There’s only pain, suffering, and sadness in that.
These feelings, such feelings are too heavy for me. I’m not someone who can carry them. I shouldn’t be the one to be burdened by them.
The only people I’m responsible for are me and the few of my precious comrades, that’s all.
I don’t care anymore. No matter how much the Crusaders conquer over the Pandora continent, it doesn’t concern me anymore.
It’s fine as long as only we run away. If it’s just running away without fighting, I can manage, I can keep on living.
“That’s why, I’m not going to try and save anyone anymore.”
Give up, give up on everyone else. Ignore them. They don’t concern me. Leave them be.
I am me, they are they. Everyone’s responsible for their own lives.
I’ll remember this. So that I don’t fail again, so that I don’t suffer again. I’m not a person who can save people, I’m not a hero. I have my hands full simply taking care of myself. I’m just one small person.
Yes, this is my resolve. I’ll abandon others and I’ll act according to it.
At that moment, a shrill scream entered my ears.
My body that had been moving as if it didn’t even recognise my surroundings; finally my consciousness faced the outside.
The place I’m standing now is the same as the one I was standing before. A part of the dirty slums.
I couldn’t hear the screams anymore but, in the alley just in front of me, some voices that seemed to be quarrelling came out showing that the scream I heard before wasn’t an illusion.
My heartbeat became faster.
Is someone getting attacked there?
Then, quickly I need to—-
“Ha,hahaha, Am I an idiot!?”
To have forgotten my resolve in just 3 steps, I’m really an incurable idiot.
I will not try to save anybody else, I can’t do it properly anyway.
“Avoid troublesome things. Adventurers are such people right?”
I began to walk.
When I passed through the alley from which many voices were coming out, I unintentionally shifted my gaze towards it.
“auu, st, stop, please……”
“Shut up! If you give it to us obediently you won’t have to feel any pain, you know?”
“Hurry up and pay fucking brat!”
A girl had been cornered to a wall and three large men were closing in on her.
It’s a clichéd extortion scene, no, the girl is good looking with her black long hair and ruby red eyes. If even a single one of those men liked younger ones, it won’t end with them simply taking her valuables.
Thinking what else could be stolen, I felt disgusted and sick.
“Stop thinking foolish things.”(kurono)
At such a place, such things should be normal.
What would happen if I try to act smart and get involved in some big mess?
Those 3 men look like typical thugs but if they have the backing of some gang that rules the underground of this town? Even if it wasn’t something so grandiose, there’s a high chance that they could have a lot of comrades.
If I made someone like them into enemies, it simply won’t end as something ‘troublesome’. There’s a chance that we’ll be in danger 24/7.
Also, there’s a chance that even with those looks, they might be strong level 5 adventurers and stronger than me.
Impossible, that word doesn’t exist. I had thought that it would be impossible for an Apostle to appear and in the end, everyone was killed by that Apostle.
An Apostle eh? Haha, maybe one of those men is also an Apostle like the 8th Apostle Ai, no, maybe all three of them are Apostles.
When I was thinking that only Sariel was on Pandora, 2 of them appeared and at the same time in front of me. Considering how they appear out of nowhere, it’s not impossible.
“C’mon! I’m saying to hurry up, aren’t I?!!”
The man in the centre violently grabbed the girl who looked younger than Lily’s true form.
Due to the momentum, her grey simple clothes tore and bared her white shoulders and body.
Seeing till that, I passed by the alley.
From behind me, the voices of those thugs and the screaming of that girl could be heard.
“This is fine.”
I’ve decided, to not try to save anyone else.